Hanna's Lock Down reflection
I am inpatient and I am stubborn. Just ask my mum, she’ll tell you so, mainly because I take after her in that respect. In true form to my generation (a Millennial for those wondering) I want everything fast and I really struggle when I don’t know what happens next. I’m constantly planning ahead, obsessively so, and I always have a plan B “just in case”. I also have a rough plan C and the shadow of an idea for a plan D, you never know?
God often teaches me things through my weaknesses and He usually choses to use my impatience and anxiety about the future. Whilst planning for my future, I have found myself at the dead end of plan D on several occasions, not knowing what step to take next. Move or don’t move? What jobs should I be applying to? Do I want to keep on studying or not?
For me, waiting on God involves praying, planning and testing doors to figure out where He wants me to go. Rarely is it ever the first door I try. And there is good reason for this, if the first door worked often, I wouldn’t feel the need to check with God. I’d open the door and run and do the same with the next door, not pausing to consider if this was the right step to take because I am already focused on the next thing. So I will find myself at door number six and finally reach the point of where I totally give in to God. “Ok, I’ve tried it all, please, please let me know what next.” Keeping the doors shut might seem cruel on first glance, but actually God is loving me through it. It’s the way I’ve learned not to try everything on my own, it’s taught me to fully rely and lean on God. Now, sometimes doors even open faster, plan A often works, because I’ve spent that time with God checking and reflecting and working with Him.
God often brings me back to waiting on Him and He has used Psalm 130 to remind me, that it’s ok if it takes longer than I expected. My timing might be faster, but God’s timing is right. I love Psalm 130:6, the idea of watchmen desperately waiting for the sun, so they can see what’s coming next. It is a reflection of me, desperately clutching onto God, waiting to see where I’m supposed head out to.
With Lock Down I found myself with no plans, no doors to push. I, the constant planner, the to-do list writer, the worst case scenario person, hadn’t planned for Coronavirus. History was part of my uni degree, I always wondered what it would be like to be a witness to a massive historical event. Now I know and I think I could have lived without this experience!
I’m working from home and things have slowed down and my mind is desperately shouting “What next? What is the plan?” Turns out, the plan once again is Psalm 130:6. Just that this time, there aren’t any plans to be made or doors to push. This is pure waiting.
I’ll be honest, part of me is panicking, slowing down feels like my worst enemy. But, I’ve waited on God before and He has never let me down. Things haven’t always turned out just how I wanted, but they’ve turned out the way they needed to. So, there is also great comfort. I can lean back, focus on who God is and wait. There is nothing else I can do, apart from the bit of work I do have, but for now I wait. And I learn what it means to purely wait on God.
I hope by the time life seems more stable God will have taught me what it looks like to wait for Him. I want this time to change my heart and God is good at changing that. So, in part I’m anxious about what’s happening and how to wait on God, but more so I’m excited to know that God prepared me for this and I look forward to seeing what changes He will bring about in me.